Alex, my partner of 12 years, passed away on May 14, 2025. He was talented, loving and sweet and he will be missed by all those who loved him. He was a very private person, so I chose not to share too many personal stories or photos of him or us on my old Blogger blog; or here on WordPress, because I respected his need for privacy. Now I am so happy that I can show you the man I loved for so many years, in stories and in photos.
The process of grieving is so complex. It’s no joke to say that it’s an emotional roller coaster ride. One day I’m in anguish, the next day I feel guilty because something made me laugh. Some days I’m completely numb and feel awful because I don’t feel appropriately devastated. I often think that I should have done more, been more forgiving, tried harder, been more selfless – losing a loved one in such a sudden way feels like psychological and emotional torture. Taking care of myself is so difficult some days. Having 5 dogs and 2 cats helps me to get out of bed though. They need me to take care of them, so it forces me to take care of myself.
For a while there, I was lost in a bottle of white wine – trying desperately to escape the emotions. I would wake up in the middle of the night in terror, calling the help lines available to me just so I could hear the voice of another human being. Our relationship had its ups and downs, but overall, I truly loved him and I know that he deeply loved me.
I sensed something was wrong that morning. My intuition told me that he was gone and when I found him, it was a complete shock. What followed was a whirlwind of police, ambulance, coroner, funeral home, obituary, death certificate, all of the paperwork…thank goodness for my circle of very close, supportive and loving friends. A neighbor whom I didn’t even know came over to my house when it happened, hugged me and stayed with me the entire day until the funeral home came to take Alex away – oh boy you have no clue you ladies how you helped me. ♥
It was so difficult to notify his family and dear friends. They were shocked and devastated, but it has been very healing to be in touch with them. Thankfully Alex left an iron-clad last will and testament. Nothing could be questioned and it made things easier on me to start the process of sorting things out. It’s taking every ounce of strength in me to ensure that Alex’s last wishes be fulfilled when I really just want to hide away and escape.
Alex was misunderstood by many, admittedly by me on several occasions. But he had a heart of gold. He struggled with his emotions, most of the time stuck in heartbreaking nostalgia. But he was smart, and very resourceful. He taught me so much. He loved me, he loved his dogs and cats, and he loved music. His album “For Farewell Of Nostalgia” was written for me and dedicated to me. It was so touching. When I listen to this album, tears of love and appreciation well in my eyes. Each of the four songs spelled my name:
Moments of Rain
Moments of Absence
Moments of Intimacy
Moments of Nostalgia
He was a fan of old films noir, classic 1930’s-1950’s radio shows, SCTV, The Looney Tunes and Alfred Hitchcock movies. All of this, Alex and I had in common and it made for a great companionship.
A cozy night in bed watching The Three Stooges or listening to the old Jack Benny radio show, sipping cocktails, was our favorite way to spend time together.
Alex was never comfortable with the instant gratification society that we all live in, how noisy and crowded the world was; he liked life at a slower pace. He spent a lot of time researching and documenting films, bands and his favorite actors. He was generous with his time – creating Wikipedia pages for those he loved and respected so that they would never be forgotten. He often pondered that he just didn’t belong in this modern world. In one of his last posts on his website, he wrote a poem that really describes his anguish. You can view it here: Words Of Parting.
Alex was wonderful. On April 15th, we had to bring the car in and the estimated wait time was about 8 hours. He suggested we rent a motel room and get some takeout, spend the day watching cable tv and movies while we waited for the car. Even though we were discussing separation, Alex and I always had fun together and really loved each other. It’s hard to believe that this was just one month before he died.
I’m a very spiritual person and I believe that Alex’s soul is now free of pain and suffering. He’s now in a place of pure love and I feel very connected to him. He had a troubled life, like so many people do, and the choice he made was purely to end his pain. I’ve been struggling with anger, guilt, regret, terror, anguish; but now I’m in a place of love and gratitude, knowing that he is no longer suffering. I miss him so much but really do feel that his spirit is with me and that brings me so much hope and comfort.
I know that I did everything I could to try to comfort him, make him feel loved, and try to ease his pain. But when that pain is so engrained in a person from childhood through adulthood – no matter how much you want to see that person shine and be happy – they are incapable of doing so. I am blessed to have had him in my life for twelve years. I do wish it could have been longer, but understand and accept why it couldn’t have been.
I’m always someone who believes there is a lesson in every challenge, in every tragedy, in every loss. Alex’s death has taught me so many lessons. Firstly that love is beautiful, both physically and spiritually. Until the end, I told Alex often that I loved and cared about him. I believe that he has also taught me that I am meant to help people – though – through all of my efforts, I was unable to help Alex. That won’t stop me from continuing to try. I am meant to use my life experiences to help people who struggle through these same experiences. My path ahead will be one of grieving, learning, healing and helping. My purpose in life is clear to me now and I have Alex to thank.
Thank you darling, I love you. Be at peace, see you in my dreams. ♥
Love and light to all,
Rain
Dear Rain,
I only just discovered your heartbreaking post about Alex, and I feel deeply sorry that I am reaching out so late. Please accept my warmest condolences. Losing someone so close is such a painful journey, and I can only imagine the depth of your grief.
What touched me in your words was the love and honesty with which you wrote about him, about your time together, and about how you are finding ways to carry on. That takes a lot of courage. I hope that your beautiful memories with Alex, as well as the presence of your dear pets and friends, can give you some comfort and help you through the difficult days.
I wanted to let you know that I will also be taking a blog break now, but I didn’t want to disappear without telling you how much I’m thinking of you. Please feel warmly embraced across the distance.
All the best,
Traude 🌿
Hello Traude, thank you so much for your comment. Having all of the pets is certainly helping me! I hope you have a restful break, I feel your embrace, sending one back to you! ♥
Dear Rain, your words are the sweetest tribute to the man you loved. I am so, so sorry for your loss. With lots of love
Wren x
Thank you so much Wren. ♥
My deepest and most sincere condolences to you, Rain.
Thank you ♥
I am so sorry to hear this Rain. Prayers Up (belatedly, of course – just like me to be late to everything, including this).
Hello TB, it’s been a while! Thank you so much for your comment. And for the prayers. ♥
Hi, Rain! I’m thinking of you and hoping you are hanging in there! Whenever I pull up this post to touch bases with you, I see the first photo with Alex’s beautiful face, and my heart hurts. Sending you love and a very big hug! Keep working on those studies!
Thank you so much Louise! ♥ I sent you an email this week. I received your lovely card, you’re so sweet, love to you and Terry! ♥
I think of you every day, Rain, and I’m sending you love and a big hug!
Louise ♥
Oh darlin’ Rain, I’ve come over here several times since this post published and not once did it show up nor did I get an email. I’m terribly saddened to read the news of Alex’s death. I know how devastated you must have been and still reeling from such a loss. I pray that you find comfort in the love once shared and the memories made. May your passions in life carry you through the difficult periods giving you purpose, strength, and some sense of joy. May Alex be at peace. XO
Thank you so much Cathy for your comment and your message. ♥ I know that Alex is at peace now, it gives me some comfort. Some days I feel okay, then the grief hits again.
WordPress is a silly platform at times…I’m this close to going back to Blogger for the art date to be honest. But that will likely only happen in the new year.
Rain, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hadn’t checked in for awhile, so missed the news of Alex’s passing. I can tell he was very special. Take good care of yourself.
Thank you so much ♥
Rain, for some reason your posts do not generate an update on my blog list, but I was compelled to come here tonight (in July) to catch up with you. I am broken hearted for you reading this. At the same time, I feel such deep admiration for how beautifully you wrote this tribute to Alex, and told us some of your story. I cannot imagine how difficult this has been for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers, sweet lady.
Becki ♥ It’s been so long hasn’t it? Thank you so much for your kindness. WordPress doesn’t update blog posts on blog lists unfortunately. Actually today it’s been 8 weeks since it happened…it still feels so unreal. Thanks again for your words. ♥
Rain, I just found this news. I am shocked and heartbroken for you. I am so, so sorry this happened!
Google reading list won’t update any non-google blogs so I know I’m terribly late in this. But some of your Rainy Day Cheese posts (old ones from years ago) popped up on my reading list so I came looking for you. Made my way here to discover your devastating news.
In nursing school I learned that grief is not a quick trip; it takes years to work through it and resolve it. I’m guessing you’re still suffering and that’s understandable. So glad you have your fur kids. Animals make all the difference in the world, don’t they.
Keeping you in my prayers. Much love.
Leigh,
It’s so nice to hear from you. Thank you so much for your kind words. ♥ I’ve sent you an email. ♥
Hi, Rain! I think of you every day and hope that you are being as kind and thoughtful to yourself as you are with so many others. Sending you a big hug, healing thoughts, and lots of love!
Thank you so much Louise ♥ Every day it gets a wee bit easier.
Thinking of you every day, Rain ~ Sending you love and a big hug!
Thank you so much Louise, I just sent you an email. Love to Terry too ♥♥
A wonderful tribute.
Sending my sincere condolences.
All the best Jan
Thank you so much Jan ♥
Dear Ms Frances
Thank you for sharing this blogue. I knew Alex in his early years I am a family member by mariage We lost touch with him many years ago He did have a difficult time at even an early age
However I remember him as a very joyful boy who had lots and lots of energy, and at family gatherings he loved to play with my sons who are a few years older. This sad news has touched his many cousins very deeply , I have no contact with the rest of his family unfortunately
Please accept my sincere condolences for your lost , I am comforted in knowing he was loved and appreciated warmest regards Denise Paré Julien
Thank you so much Denise for posting your comment! There are so many people who were touched by Alex. I’m so sorry you lost touch. I appreciate your sentiments and I’m so sorry for YOUR loss as well. Take care, thank you again. ♥
I’m sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. 💙
Thank you Mahdi for your support and also for speaking of Alex with such kindness. ♥
An hour ago, I happened to learn about this person. Now listening to his tracks and reading his blog posts. What a talent…
My Sincere condolences
Thank you Saeed. I appreciate it and I’m so happy you’re enjoying Alex’s music and writing. He was very talented. ♥
I have been missing you and now we know why. Bless your heart on the loss of Alex. It appears that you were a perfect couple for 12 years and that is time for precious love.
Thank you so much Granny Annie dear. ♥
I am so sad and sorry to hear this sad news Rain. Please accept my deepest condolences and know that I am sending you love & healing.
Saskia, thank you so much for visiting here.♥ I miss saying Kalispera to you! ♥♥♥ Thank you.
Dear Rain, this is such sad and distressing news, so difficult to hear and comprehend. I send you love and support during this time of pain and grief. May Alex rest in peace, his pain and suffering at an end, however tragically. You’ve written a beautiful tribute to him and the journey you shared together. I wish you strength and comfort during your grieving process and above all, compassion for yourself, your needs and your loss.
Thank you so much dear Debra…it is distressing. He meant so much to me. ♥ Trying to take good care of myself as I also have to get through all the paperwork. It’s a lot all at once.
I am sitting here in shock, Rain, and heartache for you! I am beyond sorry that Alex is gone. but I strongly believe that he is in a place of love and healing now and that you will meet again. You have been an important person in my life and have helped and inspired me. If I can help in any way, if you need someone to talk to, anything, let me know. Sending you love and a gigantic hug.
Louise you’re so sweet, thank you so much! I too believe that Alex is now in a place of love and healing, and the pain is gone. I feel that our souls are connected forever. Thank you for the hug! ♥♥♥
I am stunned and find myself grieving for you. Those of us who have known you only knew Alex from a distance … but he was always there in some way. Hearts do heal with time, but loved ones are never forgotten and the time of healing is hard … painful, treacherous, scary and lonely. OMG, Rain … how do we reach out to you in a way that will help you through this. I wish I could be at your side, holding on to you, wiping your tears. Life never prepares us for these moments … there is no replacing the love or the companionship. Talking about Alex, sharing your love for him and exposing all of his beautiful gifts … the moments, the pictures, his love for your beloved pets, all of it, even the difficult times. He was blessed to have you in his life as you were to have him. What you have become through your relationship with him will always live on and in that way he will always be with you. You are the kindest, sweetest, smartest, most talented person I know. You have the strength to pay forward the gifts of love that you experienced with Alex and that is another way he will live on through you. Grieving is a process. It comes in waves and it is natural to try to fight it off … but cry when you want to cry and scream when you want to scream. Let the pain run it’s course and you will come out a stronger person in the end. Love your fur babies … let them remind you that you are not alone.
I looked at my What’s App and saw your message. So many days ago and I am so sorry I missed it. I promise if you need to share feelings, I will be there to listen. Whatever it takes … I am here for you. Love you …
Andrea
Andrea, thank you so much my dear friend. Your comment really squeezed my heart. Just reading your comment has helped me. I have responded to you on WhatsApp! ♥♥♥
You are a special soul Rain. No wonder he fell in love with you.
You made a beautiful life for him & with him. His memory lives on 🤍
Thank you so much my Sister…thank you ♥♥♥♥♥
Rain, I am sending love to you for the pain I’m sure you are feeling. Words are never enough, but let me try and may you find some comfort in them. Your Beloved is a beautiful being (as are you). Whatever his trouble, his essence is one of grace and innocence. From the beautiful words you have written for him, your love acknowledges this. I see an angel when I look at him, and sometimes it’s hard for these ones to walk this earth. I know of what you speak when you say he was troubled, and I share some of that with you. I trust you know that people from all walks of life are there in spirit with you, reminding you that you are not alone. Reach out if you need as listening ear, or a virtual hug. I keep you and Alex in my heart. xxx Althea
Oh Althea…♥♥ I have no words thank you ♥♥
I just heard about your loss and I’m heartbroken for you. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling but please know you’re not alone. I’m sending you all my love and strength right now. If you ever need someone to talk to, even just to sit in silence, I’m here. Take all the time you need to grieve. We’ll be here whenever you’re ready. Sending you so much love dear Rain!
Ravneet sweetie…thank you so much for your comment. You are such a wonderful person and I appreciate you! ♥♥
What a beautifully written tribute. Thank you for sharing with us. I am sending you a great big hug and a shoulder if you need it. My condolences to you and all of his friends and family.
Celina….thank you so much dear ♥♥♥
My deepest and most sincere condolences to you, Rain. 💐❤️🩹🫂🐭💕 I am always here if you need anything! 💕 I love you. 💕
Thank you so much Ang, I love you to mousey friend! ♥♥
Oh Rain, words seem so terribly hollow right now, but I hope these and others find the place in your heart where they can comfort. Loss and grief are so very difficult, so jam-packed with emotion, it is like being on a carousel where you wait for it to stop and then for some unexplained reason, it reverses itself and you start all over again. Back and forth until it eventually eases and you can perhaps step off for a bit. My heart aches for you.
This tribute to Alex is beautiful in every way. There is such love in your words, and yes, in looking back, joy and fun and laughter. Shared interests, the knowledge you were loved. I’m sure the cyber world reaches its arms out to enfold you in love and compassion in these challenging days, mine among them. Sending you wishes for peace and healing. It sounds as though you have made those first steps.
Jeanie ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Thank you so much for all of your kind words…a carousel, omg yes. I so appreciate you.
Our deepest condolences go to you, Rain. We never met Alex, but you have penned a lovely tribute to a talented and creative man.
Thank you Dorothy and Patrick, and thank you for being there for me through this. ♥♥
Sincere condolences Rain. Gone too soon.
Way too soon, thank you so much Christine. ♥
Thank you dear Gillena ♥
My condolence, dear Rain
May he Rest In Peace
Much♡love